Live.In.For.Ever

thoughts

2009-11-30T23:51:00.004+08:00

some thoughts are meant to be remain as thoughts. mouth trouble.

focus on the goal and work towards it :D need helpline from GOD. ring! ring! :)

amazing 4 weeks ahead. exciting & promising. talk less, pray more, think more.

less is more.

2009-11-30T15:44:00.003+08:00

what does it mean to be mature?
what does it mean to be focused?

less is more.
cut down everything by 70% equals to everything up by 100%.

Bomb!!

2009-11-25T18:01:00.002+08:00

I always become dumbfounded when people ask me what I want to do when I grow up. I always struggle with wanting to be a pastor and at the same time a businessman. I wanted to be a rich pastor, having the ability to provide for people, care for them, love them unconditionally and make them successful people for God and for people. Because I want to have more of God in my life and share it with the others.

But I never tell people. I told them I want to be a policeman, fireman or even teacher. I was afraid that people will laugh at me. Mock at me. That my abilities won't be enough to be fulfill this dream.

However, today, I read the email pastor wrote back to me. I read like 10 over times. getting every ounce of that email. trying to memorize the phrase and keeping it deep in my heart. I dunno why but it broke something inside of me. so much that it caused such a headache for me now. while doing stuff. I am thinking about the email. the content. the discipleship. the words. the encouragement. the correction. the love. the concern. the care. behind every sentence.

I serve a great God. great pastor. great leaders great church. great cg. great people. great friends.

Nothing else can be compared.

God delivers

2009-11-21T21:11:00.002+08:00

I can't fathom how to be myself anymore. I went so far to change every part of me. my thoughts. my life. my passion. my motivation. my reason to even live.

can someone teach me how to be myself? I dun think so.

I'm gonna fast big time. I need to learn to say no, resist the temptation to raise my hands when being asked, "who wants?" Having too much to chew is not such a good idea. know yr place. know yrself.

I really can't wait anymore. I want to fast and break for some miracle - good or bad. to see results. Like what I used to think, if you marry the wrong person and that person hinders your destiny, pray for something to happen to your spouse. good or bad. let God decide. Ruth's husband, according to the bible, was killed mysteriously, so that she will fulfill her destiny.

Oh well. talk so much for what. no point. really. I feel now that there's no point talking. I really need a miracle. I need to fast and pray for multiple to take place in a week's time.

I'm losing confidence in myself and my work. but I know I can trust God. What to do. when all else fails, God will deliver.

If He doesn't. den I will fast more and pray more. He must deliver, by hook or crook. God. Deliver hor. I'm waiting :D

Change

2009-11-12T01:37:00.003+08:00

Most of the time, life is really dead boring. I ask 10 people, 11 people (including myself) agree with me.

But what to do? Just need to self-generate excitement lor. make small things fun. make small talks interesting. make small people smile. You ask me how's my life been, I tell you its getting more and more challenging. more and more frustrating. more and more pressuring. more and more and more and more and still got more to come.

Solution? Grow your capacity to handle lor. That simple. To grow or not to grow is not the question, the question is whether you want to grow. if you want it, you will have it. That's the Law of wanting & having. What you want is what you attract. And what you dun want is what you will reject.

But now. I got a new vision in life. it is to administrate my growth. to be balance as much as I am able to. to be as stable as I can be. to be as steady as I manage to be. Maybe it is in my blood. I am catalyst manifestation of life. when you input the right amount catalyst, I will have overwhelming reaction and either I exothermic or endothermic. I explode from inside out or implode outside in. either way is bad when it crosses the line of delusion.

Sometimes I feel I have this ongoing disease call "delusion" Pretty scary at times, but I learnt, because of my personality and trained habits. Both clashes and thus resulting in a mental meltdown/shutdown/breakdown. And not because of what, but it is how our brain functions.. I can go a long story how our brain works biologically, thus we are as such.

Yet. I choose not to. because I believe nurture supercedes nature. You might be born naturally, but you are made to be nurture. If everything is ran by natural means, then nurture would be how everything will be expedite. But you have to make the choice to let nurture takes its place and nature to catch up with what is in place.

Otherwise there will be a supernova exploding inside of our mind and with a black hole created. It sucks the air of you, your dreams, passion and vision.

As the Proverb says, "a city without vision will perish" Dun be self-destructive city. change your destiny :D

Lamentation of a Sanguine

2009-11-05T23:20:00.003+08:00

Lately, I have been thinking alot and saying very little. Very ironic for a Sanguine yeah?

I came to realization deep inside me is very ambivalence. Something I guess developed over time when I feel talking is pretty useless and bottling up seems to be the way of focusing and getting things done. maybe haven't found someone that I can talk freely, or maybe I have found it but it just didn't turn out the way it should be i guess.

3 months after my dreams and plans were dashed. Every morning seems like there's no point waking up and fight for, but I still wake myself up to a promise and commitment I made. Alot of times, I asked myself. why am I not that rash like a Sanguine, why I choose to deny myself, why I made myself turn against myself, to hate the way I am made... why.

People asked who is yr role model. I said I dunno, not because I dun have, but I dun feel like there's a connection. Like I'm living from a different world, a different make-up that most people dun understand who I am. to know someone is different from understand that someone. or maybe I didn't try to make myself to be understood.

but. i guess. no point. no point talking about it. I dun like to write. but I only write to keep a distance from the reader. but I like to perform, or dance, or sing. something that before I can even do anything I know its not gonna work.

That's why sometimes, i asked myself. u know u re a sanguine but why are u behaving like a melancholic. U re making yr mind to overload and disconnect.

but. i guess. no point. no point talking about it. Just gonna see how long i can last. hope that my body won't rebel again my learnt behavior. I won't take medicine or painkillers to soothe the headaches and heartaches.

Just ignore and get things done. pointless to even give a thought to it.

Change or be changed. I really dun like but I must learn to love.

That's why people thinks that I am mad. to put myself in such environment to keep getting burnt and pressured. But I guess life of a sanguine is like that. no choice. going thru the hard way of life.

induce excitement. induce creativity.

what is sadness? me.

keeping sane

2009-09-23T22:17:00.002+08:00

everyday when i wake up.
I tell myself to stay sane.
no matter what happens.

As the ancient saying:
"But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day."

God. your Word is my panadol.
Having a pretty sustaining headache.
To battle to keep my spirit high. faith high. hopes high. energy high.
even when you feel low, act as though you are high.
letting simple stuff to make huge hype about life.
cos it pretty mundane and tiring as times.
but my eyes are not on the things now, but the things to come.

destiny! here I come!

2009-09-17T23:53:00.002+08:00

I can feel it in my fingers. the season of feeling insecure is coming. mother of all season.

Time to don the helment, the breastplate, the belt, the shoes and pick up the shield & the sword.
Getting ready for the battle. To restrain, constrain & reign!

"HOLD YOUR GROUND! DO NOT FIRE UNTIL I GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL! HOLD!"
The galloping of the dark knight and his minions raced towards the veteran and his army.
"GET READY! HOLD! HOLD! HOLD!"
They entered into the killing zone. Not planning for any to be spared alive, for they are the spawn of defilers.
"NOW! FIRE AT WILL!"
The masters of the bow let loose of their arrows and came the rain of shrapnel with their projectiles.
"FOR GOD & YOUR LOVE ONES. CHARGE!"
The killing zone became the burial ground of the darkness marching against the Lights. They were not given any response time, as it was aimed to make quick kills and dispatching their formation with the surprise attack.
"AH! This is for those who died under your merciless murder. You murderer! eat my steel!"
And the reflection of the metal temporary blinded the killer who were trained to kill, steal & destroy. As the metal met the alloy, it penetrated the thin layer and kissed the flesh under it. Cold-blooded creatures. Sly & cunning. But their devilish plot is nothing compared to what was dedicatedly planned. The only error that can be allowed is only human error, not technical mistake. The room for mistakes dun exist in the minds of the Lights, only mansions of victory and divinity.

Their zealous are seen in their eyes. Bloodshot and tailored to read the movements of their enemies before they strike them down. They charged like bulls on the loose. Not brindle can tame their berserk nature.

And they clashed at the no man's land. And the ground trembled under the explosive impact of the two. The constant pressure from the back, raised the frontal battle into an all-out mixture of swordmanship and art of close combat. It is not the frills that keeps them alive but their preparedness and state of the mind, that keeps the gashing teeth of the weapons away from their delicate body.

The East Wind aided them. The prayers of the musicians came like wild fire and consumed the darkness. They screamed and groaned for mercy, but they will not receive any. For their time have come, for them to pay for the wages of their err commitment.

And the battle was heated up to all time high.
"BREAK FORMATION. LAUNCH HAMMERS!"
The retreat bought time for the medics to pull in the causality. Keeping to the code of the Geneva - all wounded are to be attended in the battlefield. But they didn't state when during the battlefield and it doesn't seem too.

The sky turned red as the blood evaporated in the soaking ground.

I thought of a poetry today on the way home:

O Gardener of Thy Eden.
I will give up the whole forest for Thy tree.
Thy Tree of Life.
Thy Word.
Thy Food to my soul.

O Gardener of Thy Eden.
Thy fruit tastes like honey and dew.
Meltful of Sweetness for my soul.

O Gardener of Thy Eden.
May I pick a barrel of fruit?
May I?
May I?

O Provider of Thy Kingdom.
Filled with myriad of creatures.
Thy love married spirit, soul & body.
Out of the much, came the one alike Thee.

O Thee art beauty to my sight, smell, sound & feel.
I'm Yours.
I'm Yours.

Pray away

2009-09-08T21:54:00.000+08:00

i'm so angry and fed up. I'm at the brink of "total retaliation". argh. I can feel myself gonna explode any time.

I really need time out and have a personal overnight prayer. I can't see any way out of my situation in life. it feels as though I have come to this dead end.

I need to pray away my anger.
I need to pray away my disappointment.
I need to pray away my irritation.
I need to pray away my sadness.
I need to pray away my hurts.
I need to pray away my discouragement.
I need to pray away my depression.
I need to pray away my madness.
I need to pray away my indecisiveness.
I need to pray away my ill-discipline.
I need to pray away my lack of faith.
I need to pray away my blindness.
I need to pray away my distractions.
I need to pray away my loneliness.
I need to pray away my self-pitying.
I need to pray away my self-destructiveness.

I just want to pray. one night at my prayer mountain.

forgiveness

2009-07-19T01:37:00.004+08:00

If you know what I am thinking...

I will "ta-han" hahahaha. forgiveness is the first beatitude that is about our relationship with the people around us. We need to be big people with big heart.

That's why.. "some people need some more time to hope for a glimpse of some change for some period of time."

It is about making choices:
make good choices = good consequences
make bad choices = bad consequences.

And being responsible is about paying the consequence for the choices we make in life. Noone is perfect. so we will make mistakes. And when mistakes are made, sometimes it affects not just yourself but the people around you. And you need to own up to it and apologize or maybe you feel you are the victim side, then you need to forgive.

And it will happen. cos life, somethings just happens. and when it does. you gotta choose your responses.

That's why. sometimes. I will ta-han. but if it crosses tipping point. I will not ta-han. And if I dun remember wrongly I only lose my temper twice in my whole life as in explosion effect kind. my word will tear the person apart and literally break the soul of the person apart. And after I did that. I regretted cos it crossed the point of no return. the person... hmmmm.. was in bad shape. pretty bad. And I learnt my lesson.

That's why we need to learn from life lessons and remember them. Not in guilt and shame, but a reminder of whatever we do, we do it with faith, hope and love.

maturity is about taking responsibility even at times, it is not your fault. Seriously.. if you tell me you are Jesus-wannabe. You got to do what He did for us on the cross. not like hang up there, but the prayer He said, "forgave them for they do not know what they are doing."

However, many a times, we know that we did something wrong. But we choose otherwise and it will result in our conscious being eroded by the world value system of "its alright la." then when you need to give an account to Jesus before you gain access to heaven, you have no other choice but to be truthful. too bad. made a wrong move. bye.

Think about it. that' why we gotta live life in fear and trembling. not those bad kinds but positive ones that will keep you away from hurting people and hurting yourself and your relationship with God. I believe in forgiveness, but mercy is at God's hand. I believe in apologizing, but conviction is between you and God. Noone can help you. You gotta to make that choice.

Reminder: bad response leads to bad attitude, that leads to a series of bad choices in life, that leads to unfulfilled destiny, that leads to F9 in your life on earth at the end of the day. God is a good God. He gives you time to change but if you dun want to.. and people warned you about it and you just refuses, den you "take care"

Hahahaha. That's why think before you do anything. You dun want to regret after that. Cos a person's attitude determines his/her altitude. You may think you are right, but maybe you are wrong.

That's why if you play the blame game. you are gamed to lose. But if you play the "ta-han" game, you are gamed to win. beat it! :D

Calculating

2009-07-10T00:01:00.003+08:00

For the past few days, I have been getting dreams after dreams. Good ones and bad ones. The more I dream, the more I see "secrets". Quite fun. Gotta to write it down, when it comes to pass. Then I saw people I saw it coming in my dreams.

Been evalutaing myself as a person, a friend, a leader, a son. I look at my own report card. it failed pretty bad. Maybe its those days that I think too much that I overdrove my brain. After the fall of Man, we have been using only 3% of our brain's full potential. Even if you are a gifted, you use only 10%. I'm not sure how many percent I used, but I know one things for sure. I had brain cramps. so bad that I feel sick just thinking. Not H1N1.

As a person: How's my relationship with God? How's my relationship with people? How's my finances doing? How current am I?
As a friend: How in touch am I with them? How much I know how they are? How much time I take aside to keep them in prayers?
As a leader: How much am I a chief feeder? How much am I a chief leader? How responsible am I?
As a son: How much am I carrying the burden of my spiritual parent and parents?

And I realised. You cannot measure up to the standards. It is sky high. But you can measure up according to my faith - expectations. I came to notice that as my expectations of myself goes on notch, I start to enjoy life more. My self-esteem gets better. My self-image becomes clearer. My self-motivation is at gear 5.

What is life without evaluating yourself? You are bluffing yourself.

Anyway some secrets are best kept as secrets. Time will tell. My white-turned-yellow pages will be my witness. Back to work.

New Skin

2009-07-06T18:40:00.003+08:00

Enough of kept falling emo-iness. black and white days are over!

Selah

2009-06-28T20:18:00.003+08:00

nobody told me that loving you is gonna be a piece a cake,
but nevertheless I will keep on going without the tea and bread.

nobody told me that pinning my hopes on you gonna simmer like rainbow after every storm,
but nevertheless I will wait for you to appear, on and on. rain after rain. tears after tears.

nobody told me that building my faith and yours need to be worked on,
but nevertheless I will gather what is needed to fix it and keep strong.

you choose to take the narrow road.
thus you deserve what you get.
whether good or bad
cause you walk that road, just for that final step.
the step onto the neverending road.

can you listen to me for once.
once is all I need.
heartbroken. slient
because of you.
and only you.
as you are the only one.
the only one for me.

I kept repeating myself.
I can't repent until you forgave.
until I am given the chance to,
otherwise is back to square one.

Come back.
Dun go off.
Return.
Not depart.
Stay.
Not leave.

Please.
My love.

Selah.

James

2009-06-27T00:05:00.001+08:00

I read the book of James 3 times and 3 times I got different revelation. I gotta write them down.

I love You.
I love Your Word.
I love to sing to You.
I love to talk to You.
You are my best friend.

Price

2009-06-22T18:40:00.002+08:00

There is a price to pay for consequences in life.
As much as I do not want to pay for it.
I have to. To have what you want, you have to do what you have to do.

Because I want to have more of God in my life.
"... to fulfill all righteousness."
Need to clear all the debts in your life.
to make room for more of God.

It really hurts. But no choice.
Friendship is built on trust and truth.
And sometime truth hurts - you got to suck it up.
And sometimes trust takes time to mend - you got to have patience.

But nevertheless.
I am going to work it out. even if it means that I got to sacrifice big time.
Aiya. deal with it.

Unity

2009-06-21T15:35:00.003+08:00

I made a decision this morning. I went to do a biblestudy on the word "unity"

Powerful revelation. Well.. goodness of God leads to repentence. man. convicted of personal matters. But not gonna be just listener of the Word but doers as well. Gonna do something abt it. Faith leads to good works.

"Desperate for something in life?"
"Total."
"Then what are you waiting for?"
"To jump off the cliff?"
"Get ready!!!"
"See you later!"
Having faith is risk taking. Breathe taking.

Focused listening is the key.
I found the locks in my heart, my soul and my mind.
Now I need are the keys to life to unleash the creativity, the dreams & the imagination on the inside.

2009-06-21T10:08:00.002+08:00

Today he came with his crutches and bandaged face, while I was doing my work.

"I am gonna.." before he can even finish his first sentence, it was his last sentence.
"I need new problems, not the same problem. I need new battles to fight." I gave him a kick and he flipped from the window and goes down 16 floors.
"I wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill beeeeeeeeeeeeeee baaaaaaaaaaaack!" BAM!
"See you tmr" I locked my window and went back to work.

Happy Father's Day :) Invited a friend to join my family for dinner.

Supernovaed

2009-06-21T01:12:00.003+08:00

Yesterday I supernovaed. I let loose of my temper after so many years ago. I can imagine how bad it was.

The cup of milk I was holding on, turned into yogurt.
The grass land I used to walk on, decayed and became wasteland.
The demons that hunt me day and night, ran away when they saw me coming.
Noone was crowding around me in the train.

I knew I should have. But I did in the end. I created a blackhole inside of me.
No matter how many hours of sleep I get. Its all sucked up and drained.

It took me 2 years to recover from it. I dunno now how long it will take.
2 days?
2 weeks?
2 months?
2 years?
2 decades?
2 century?

I just let nature takes its course. If diplomacy fails, boycott is the next step. If boycott fails, I will sink the boat.

Just now I had a heart attack. My chest was in dead pain. My face was pale. My eyes were bloodshot. My lung felt squeezed. It has taken a toil on my health.

Today, someone tried to test water with me. I smashed him right in his face. Then all those were with him fled. My fist were filled with blood. I was breathing acid from my nostrils. The person was unconscious. His friends, within a few minutes' time I K.O. then.

ROAR!!

silent

2009-06-17T22:02:00.002+08:00

since the day man learnt how to be complicated. by doing what he is not supposed to do. darn!

sometimes some words you really feel like saying to someone but you know you are not supposed to. how? you make a choice to keep silent about it. Some words that involve alot of emotional strings. Some words that might cause relationship to go down a square or go up a square.

However, everything has it time and season. good feelings are just good feelings. dun be bluff out the outer looks. Look into the inner beauty of things. Dun judge a book by its cover. But the cover gives alot of impression.

I will keep quiet about it until the time is right. By the way, I need to get some strong clay to hold my hair.

Keep loving. Keep praying. Keep running :D

Poetry of A Day

2009-06-17T01:00:00.002+08:00

For JMin :D

Poetry of A Day

Morning arise the sun shines bright
Moaning and cry seems so right.
Where is the beauty?
Where is the tree?

That tree where my dreams hung high
The place my heart was buried under the root.
"A tree is a tree" says my dear friend.
She said it well. And rang a bell.

Alas. The night arrived like a
gentleman with an agenda.
Gentle and meek.
Senile n geek.

Where art Thou, my Love.
I need Your kindred embrace.
I yearn for Your listening.
I call for Your attention.

This is my love confession
For You. For every hope,
Every dream, Every part of me.
Dearest..

I WANT!!

2009-06-16T00:41:00.003+08:00

Relationships supercede personal goals. You can have all yr goals fulfilled but noone to celebrate with you. You can take everything I own but not the relationship I have.

If you want to be selfish and go to the market and rent a store to 'sell fishes' all you want. What I want.. is fisherman. Fisherman of whales. I have the whales. I have the ocean. I have the planet! :D

ROAR!! :O "You are not desperate enough if you haven't fasted, prayed a hell out of it and do something about it. Faith produces good works. No work. No good. No nothing. You can be upset about it but nothing will happen."

Any fish sellers? :) or do I have whale hunters? :O

True Love

2009-06-07T23:50:00.004+08:00

Everytime I hang out with Pastor and the leaders. No matter what we are doing. Doing something or not. At the end, on the way home.. I always thank God for them. I just feel so fortunate to have them in my life. People whom I really love very much. Like totally (until proven..) I will lay down everything for them. Just to see them smile and be fulfilling what God has for all of them. Their dream. Their victories.

One sentence. Love is uncondition. But true love is condititonal - just one condition: dun stop loving those you truly love :D

Relationships.

2009-06-05T11:26:00.003+08:00

I always remember Pastor said this to me:
"it's not what you do that determines who you are, but relationships in your life."

Its been 3 years. Sometimes I feel, I so far away from that statement. Keep returning to work work and work to bury myself in it. Maybe that's why I like to travel around. in buses. in MRTs. in cars. Just myself with a trough of strangers. Can't do any work properly and just sit there to observe what's going on in the cabin. in the deck. along the streets.

Relationships. I can't exist without others. My existence is who I mix around with. I gonna to choose wisely. Not work. I can exist with it. My existence is just to finish it.

HAPPY RELATIONSHIP DAY. Learn to cherish while you are able to :D

P.s Crazy thoughts.. STOP IT!! ROAR!! :O

Dream Part 1

2009-06-03T19:14:00.003+08:00

Yesterday Pastor asked us this question.. "what is your greatest dream?" And the usual me, spring into action and scribbled a list (and I really mean a list of dreams I have) and I shared.

And I was thinking about it for the whole week since I finished a the 4th dimenison book: What is my dream? What do you want to do? What do you like to do? What is your calling? What are you made of? What you are good at? What.. what.. what..

And I have no answer. Like real answer to it. And I suddenly felt very empty - why i dun have an answer to it? I though I have it all along like grow church to hundreds and thousands, ten thousands and hundred thousands.

as the saying says, "I thought. you think. who confirm." I became very confused in my mind and as usual, when I noticed that, "it must be the lack of sleep. aiya. dun think abt it. go to sleep." but who knows that's escaping. hahaha. but to protect my faith and my thought life, I just forced myself to get some rest. calm the overworked brain and psycho myself to count the sheeps.

Even though singapore can be counted as a city that never sleeps. I was a waken by a voice. not God's but somebody else: "YOU ARE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO EXIST!" BAM! I'm awake. I'm startled by the voice. I was shaking. I knew my day's battle has started. It was like 4 am plus in the morning. I threw myself off the bed. Sat on my rolling chair. Took out my reading assignment book. And I began to focus on the Word of God from a Man of God. I kept focused. I knew the battle in my mind had started. I kept myself busy with the reading. I quickly jumped onto my assignment. I got to change and pack my stuff. And off I went to school...

(To be continued...)

Brain.

2009-06-01T23:12:00.002+08:00

i can't sleep even thou I wan to sleep badly.
Something is wrong with me.
Is it too much coffee or is my brain no longer abt to stop thinking.
I really got to stop thinking too much.
It is getting to me.
STOP! STOP! STOP!

anger

2009-05-27T22:53:00.001+08:00

sometimes you are so piss off.
that you just want to go to one corner and pray.
anger management.
ROAR!! :O

Faithfulness

2009-05-26T00:25:00.003+08:00

"...those who are with Him are called, chosen, and faithful.” Rev 17:14

You are called because of your attitude.
You are chosen because of your abilities.
You are faithful because of your heart.

I need to be more faithful with the small things in life.
Starting with packing my room. war zone.

Money

2009-05-17T16:47:00.002+08:00

Money is a tool, not a toy.
Toys are for boys. Tools are for men.
I plan in 4 months' time save $1000.
But in 2 months' time. blessing upon blessing filled my barns.
End of April, it exceed $1000.

From $0 to $1000.
it takes faithfulness to being upon the fruitfulness in life.
It takes faith to bear fruit. Otherwise under pressure, the fruit will be squashed
and become fruit juice, which the vitamins and minerals are compromised.

FOOOOOOOOOOOCUS!

2009-05-04T20:52:00.002+08:00

I got to focus.
Need to be more precise. concise and exercise wisdom.

A focus man is a satisfied man.
One thing at a time.

Kill a wolf
then you are qualified to kill a bear.
Maybe if you are (un)lucky, you get to slaughter a tiger.
Then you are ready to take down the giant.

I am going to find.
I am going to seek.
I am going to knock.

I want doors to be opened over my life.
If God can open financial blessing over my life.
I want to have growth blessing over my life.
But there is a price to pay.

Thou my flesh is weak. My Spirit is strong.
Once I am focused, even when the sky falls on me.
"No problem. I can one hand hold it.
And the other still work things around."
But I have another helper - Mr. Full of Faith.
He brings me power to move in the unseen realm.

Re-focus. Re-plan. Re-tention 100% :D

Growth.
Dream Big.
Yes! You can!

Wait

2009-04-30T01:42:00.002+08:00

aiya. still got 2 more years.
dun think about it.

wait.
you made a vow.
you keep the vow.

and live happily after :)

Manna

2009-04-28T23:48:00.003+08:00

I am so happy.
Today Jesus turned up.
He was walking amidst of the people.
One by one, He took the secret manna and put it on their hands.
And they ate it joyfully.

They were beaming from side to side.
God spoke and they caught it - rhema.

Many things are caught, not taught.
So happy you all caught it.
Run with it. Make yr marathorn a good one.
Jesus is waiting for you at the end point.

vibs

2009-04-27T21:51:00.002+08:00

I was so irritated with the mac lagging,
that my vibs killed a plant beside me.
I walked past it and it withered.

Na. it was my imagination.

But I need self-control.
I need to control the vibs i give out.

Reading 'Faith' by Phil Pringle.
I got homework to catch up.
Faith to build.
Lives to save.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Release

2009-04-26T18:25:00.002+08:00

Closed the doors.
I fell on my knees.

"It is done. I release you."
I decided. I dun want any part with the past.
What you did to me. Its the past.
What He's gonna to do to me. Its my future.

You have dun part in it.
Your arrows is useless against my bazooka of faith.
I blasted you when you showed up today at my doorstep.

It's time for you upgrade :)

ZHan: 1
Loser: -1

10 lepers

2009-04-26T09:19:00.004+08:00

Love covers a multitude of sins.

"You are forgiven.
Go. sin no more.
Bring a sacrifice to the temple
and let the priest examine you," said Jesus.

Out of the 10 lepers that went.
Only 1 came back. Healed completely.
Just because he was thankful.
That's you.
Dun doubt.

Come back to Jesus.
He's waiting to heal you.

Love.

2009-04-26T00:22:00.003+08:00

Love is unconditional.

But true love is conditional.
That's why even God knows that we love Him.
He still gave us the 10 Commandments & a Bible
to state the conditions on what is love and not.

"Where is the love? Where is the love? Where is the love?"
-Black Eye Peas-

afternoon-evening

2009-04-24T19:29:00.002+08:00

today afternoon. I prayed until I fainted.

I went into the front line of the warfare and rallied against the principalities and breaking down the stronghold erected in front of me. I was confessing the Word. I was picking up the sword to smash and slice my way through.

Until I was out of breathe and started spinning in my room. I collapsed.

I dunno what happened.

I was still uttering the Word. I was calling out names. I was not intending to stop. I refused to give into my weak body. My will is greater than my senses. Gradually, I started to lose my orientation and my world became a cloth of darkness falling in front of me.

I blacked out.

Until I felt someone tapping on my shoulders and calling my name. Trying to wake me up. I struggled to open my eyes. I left someone leaving the room, after staying for quite a while to look over me. But I was alone at home. The locks and the doors are secured.

Who could be that?

I didn't have time to think about it. I was gonna be late for dinner and movie. argh! my eyes are bloodshot and my hands were shaking. My body felt as though something biologically happened to me.

God the Father, the Son & the Holy Spirit. They turned up. Maybe I prayed too loud, crying out to them. To deliver and bring about spiritualy principles and code of conduct :)

Hal's b day!

2009-04-23T00:26:00.002+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAL!! :)

Humility

2009-04-23T00:18:00.004+08:00

Nowadays.
I get mad at myself. For not being humble.
Who says everything needs to be perfect to follow.
No one. Only perfectationists rationalise that way.

I feel it doesn't matter who did it, but who suppose to do it matters.
To make people feel successful is more important than claiming the success.

I am called to follow.
To follow the lead.

Leaders lead the way.
Followers follow the lead.
As easy as that.

Humility.

My Morning

2009-04-20T21:55:00.003+08:00

Lately, there have been alot of battles going on.
Inside of me and on the outside.
Day after day, its getting harder and harder.
Alot of mornings, I dun feel like waking up. I dun feel like doing anything.
But when the alarm rings and the sun shines brightly.
I know. I need to kick start the day well.

Smiling. I looked at myself on the mirror
"Today is gonna be a better day. With Jesus, I have everything," I told myself.
I plucked in the earphones.
I switched on Miss Mini.
I ran thru the songlist.
I found the music for the mood.
"Fill me. Fill me. Holy Spirit. Come." I whispered.
The music blasted and boomed.
The morning sun started to burn my delicate skin.

And He came.

His Presence permeated my room.
The morning dew of the Lord filled the room..
"Lord. You came."
"Yes." He smiled.
And I smiled.

I raised my voice.
To sing a morning song.
To prophesy a future.
To bind the falsehood.
To seek the One who gathers the lost.

This is how my morning starts.
With God.
Everyday.

Everything by prayer. Nothing without it :)

Tame your tongue :p

2009-04-12T23:31:00.003+08:00

Sometimes people hurt you, unknowingly.
You just need to look at the person eye to eye and smile.

Sometimes people hurt you, knowingly.
You just need to look at the person eye to eye and dun say anything.

Sometimes people hurt you, planning to.
You just need to look at the person eye to eye and leave them alone.

Sometimes people hurt you.
You just got to smile, dun say anthing and leave them alone.
Confess. Confess. Confess.

Good Friday for 2009

2009-04-10T21:39:00.004+08:00

This post is dedicated to Zhang CX :) You say I only write poetry on my blog. hahaha. Here's some personal stuff.

Not long ago, I celebrated my birthday a few times cos its my 21st. To be frank, I'm not a birthday fan. I like it to be quietly passed by. Nevertheless, it's this one birthday question that always and forever, never fails to keep me thinking the whole day. But this year, being 21, it just made it even more challenging:

"What did you wish for?"

Can I be truthful? I never wish for anything for most of the birthday. But this year being 21, i treat it extremely seriously with deep reverance. I thought through a few days what to wish for. But in the end, my answer was "I want to have another 5 more wishes, each one for the closest people in my life" Ya la. I am undecisive boy. I let others to decide :)

Another question came up: "You wished for a wife right?"

"BINGO! AMEN!" might be my answer, say.. 3 years ago. But now, unknowingly becoming 21, I was like.. er.. not really le. Then the next few days, the whole world centered around 'wife' thingy. Even sermons.. "... having a wife is a good thing." But what you mediate upon, you will think of. hahaha.

Well. That's weeks before. Heng.. got things to do this week. Otherwise, I will be trapped by that question.

"Have a wife or not have a wife." That's not the question. Still to early. I'm on vow anyway. Later la.

Happy Good Friday! :)

Easter Warfare

2009-04-10T11:02:00.002+08:00

Faith.
Where art thou?
Where art thee?

Hope.
Where art thou?
Where art thee?

Love.
Where art thou?
Where art thee?

I will wait. I will wait for you.
I will hold onto the ground.
I will put my foot down.
I will dig my heels.
I will not give in.
I will not give up.

I will fight.
For Thy Glory.

The war has just begun.
Charge!

First Blood

2009-04-06T20:32:00.002+08:00

Just let go.
Release yourself into a world of mysteries.
Dun be afraid. Be strong and courageous always.
I will 'be with you always, until the end of the days'

You have such lovely eyes.
A look into them, I see how you see me: most dearest.

Your love covers a multitude of sins.
Your perfect love casts out all fear.
You made me wanna to be a better man.

Let me not be distracted.
Let me not be discouraged.
Let me not be disconnected.
Let me not be dissatisfied.

Show me how to:
Love myself
Like my personality
Enjoy my abilities
Celebrate my successes

Because I am who you made me to be.
And you made me to be who I am.
One way or another.
Because of you. I am.

Growth & Progression.
Yes! Together we can!

DCMF

2009-03-19T22:04:00.002+08:00

Discipline. I tattoo it on my mind.
Committment. I tattoo it on my heart.
Maturity. I tattoo it on my soul.
Faith. I tattoo it on my strength.

Discipline my mind to focus, not to be distracted by unnecessary things.
Commit my heart to relationships, friendships that will grow me accordingly.
Mature my soul to likeness, like attracts like, wise men draw from each other.
Faith-filled my strength to dependance, be dependent on God.

Stay humble.
Stay close.
Stay in tune.
Stay there all the way.

From Wikiepedia: Discipline

In its most general sense, discipline refers to systematic instruction given to a disciple. This sense also preserves the origin of the word, which is Latin disciplina "instruction", from the root discere "to learn," and from which discipulus "disciple, pupil" also derives.

To discipline thus means to instruct a person or animal to follow a particular code of conduct, or to adhere to a certain "order." Consequently, "in the field of child development, discipline refers to methods of modeling character and of teaching self-control and acceptable behavior."

So for example, to discipline a child to wash her/his hands before meals. Here, 'washing hands before meals' is a particular pattern of behaviour, and the child is being disciplined to adopt that pattern. 'To disciple' also gives rise to the word disciplinarian, which denotes a person who enforces order.

An ideal disciplinarian is one who can enforce order without coercion for "family specialists agree that using physical force, threats and put-downs can interfere with a child's healthy development." Usually however, the phrase 'to discipline' carries a negative connotation. This is because enforcement of order - that is, ensuring instructions are carried out - is often regulated through punishment.

I love discipline.
Can I marry you?
hahahaha.

I'm at SOT now, not SOTA - School of The Arts :)

Grow. Black & White.

2009-03-10T23:38:00.002+08:00

I want to be like you.
Think like you.
Be like you.
Talk like you.

Take away all the verb at the front
Switch it to a pronoun.

I just bought 3 black bands and 3 white bands with my bro.
It was like a purchase done out of a long period of pondering and wondering.
Why. Why I am so taken by it, everytime I pass by 77th Street.
Why. Why there is this thing that tells me that when I buy it and wear it. I will understand.

I did. I got it. Paid for it. I tore the price tag.
I squeezed the bands across my hands, around my wrist.
Anything? No. Nothing.
Hmmmm. it looks good on me.

Wait. Waiting. Waited.
As I was walking and listening to my Ipod.
I was staring at the bands. Suddenly. Something stucked me.

Dejavu.
I seen this before. I seen the bands colliding as I walked.
I realised why I wanted to get them.
Because I seen them before. Somewhere. Someday when I zoned out. Into Lalala land for 3 sec and back.
I seen this. I understood immediately what I mean to have them on my wrist.

It is the promise I made. The convenant. The vow. The set apart.
I need to be black and white about it.
I cannot remain grey about it.
It doesn't make sense to remain unsure.
Are you in or out?
Are you white or black?
Or are you still grey about it?

To be or not to be. That's the question.
Not to be. Now. Not yet.
Not yet for many things.
Still early. Still unripe. Still not ready.

So I think. Being black and white first.
Is the best poilcy.
They asked too much. They suggested too much.
You know which voice to listen to.
You know which sound of voice to drawn to.

You know.
You know who you want to be like.
Think like. Be like. Talk like.
Dun be distracted.
Just dun. Major not in the minor. And minor not in the major.
Major on the Major. And minor on the minor.

Wear it and Remember it.
Many are called but few are chosen.

Grow.

March

2009-03-06T00:29:00.004+08:00

Never really a fan of March.
Can it pass by me quickly, with no frills and thrills.
Just a silent March
It will do.

I love thee.
A simple greeting as such.
Would make it great.
It will do.

2 more years to go.
Time to keep it low.
And flow.
It will do.

Spooked

2009-03-05T00:24:00.002+08:00

Being busy isn't such a good thing after all. I always thought getting work done is more important than getting connected to people. Just some flaws of mine, once the engine start rolling to work, everything else shuts down. Isolation mode.

But I learnt the lesson the hard way. Broke my limbs and and racked my brains out of me. Suddenly, my eyes are opened and I see the world in a much different light. My world.

Just day by day, i realised I serve a good God and my leaders and team are really awesome. Lately, I would pause what I am doing, and admire them, their speech and action, their heart and love for people.

2009 is going to be an amazing year. Just can feel the buzz in the air.

Amazing God. Amazing People. Amazing Life. Loving it (:

My 1 and 2 and 3

2009-02-26T23:56:00.003+08:00

Finances - "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Interest - "Is God your number 1 priority?"
Relationship - "You want them to experience what you experience as well right? God's perfect love"
Schedule - "No Plan. No Vision. No Nothing"
Trouble - "Trust in God even in time of adversity, He will pull you thru!"

Seal - "You got the real deal; keep the deal; seal the deal inside of you. Just let it cleave on you."
Expecting - "3I: Incubate. Invite. Integrate"
Concentrate - "Creative focused! Repeat and Repeat it!"
Order - "Balance is the key to life"
Natural - "Who you are is more important than Who you aren't. Just change and get used to it. Be secure."
Downside - "Keep your heads below the clouds, have a firm footing."

Win - "He who win souls is wise"
Inspire - "It goes a long way"
Say it - "No say, no count."
Discipline - "Fruit of the Spirit is... self-control."
Order - "Balance is the key to life"
Motivation - "Nobody can change your character and attitude, you yourself choose them."

My Life. My Vision. My 2009

2009-02-22T12:14:00.001+08:00

Heart

2009-02-20T22:06:00.003+08:00

'who you are is the reflection of your heart.'

'it is not about what you do or say, but your heart speaks and acts it all'

'what matters is not what you did do and didn't, but what came out your heart did it all.'

Monologue with Mr Freddy

2009-02-19T12:53:00.004+08:00

I really need to live my life better. To be more independent and grown up. I cannot carry on to be immature in my thinking and lax with things that I am given. Also I feel that I dun have enough love for people. Dun have that compassion that Jesus had when he saw the multitude was without a shepherd. That justices for human rights that Nelson Mandela had as he grew up. That fight against all odds in his racist society that Sidney Poitier had when he was becoming an actor with substance and quality - Ist African American Oscars Best Actor.

I grew up in fantasies in my pocket, with unrealistic expectation of life, with fear of being known who I really was. All the pride, insecurity and head in the clouds.

I need to break out from that box. I need to be more secure of who I am as a person, who God made me to be.

Security is not about what prevents from gets inside of you from the outside, but what you do to filter the good from the bad, and keep the good inside and bad outside.

Keeping the ulterior motives to make use of people as stepping stones to my goals outside. Keeping the laxness about bad attitude outside. Keeping the laziness to go the extra mile outside. Keep the faithlessness of see things coming to pass outside.

Retaining the security in God and His faithfulness inside. Retaining the hunger to learn and never stop learning. Retaining the hope in people and situation that when God touches them - lives get change, situation get better. Retaining the love for people, that compassion for their souls, that fight for their faith, that warring for their behalf of their struggles. Retaining that never-ending concern for the relatives and friends on your left and right - who they will become if you did not step up to the occasion to give them the chance of having a better life and relationships.

When I change, everything around changes. When my vision changes, everything I see changes.

I want to have a spiritual 6/6 vision. Moses was 6/6 when his time to go came. He was the God's friend.

Vision for 2009 - Hunger. Boldness. Courage.
Points to work on - Humility. Relationship. Focus.

2009-02-04T00:11:00.001+08:00

WE WILL HIT 80!!!
8 Teams send out to Gather 10 Souls
5 Places (Pri Sch, Sec Sch, JC, Poly, Marketplace) to look for 16 Souls
2 SCGLs destined to Rally 40 Souls
1 Pastor Appointed to bring in 80
The Time has Come!

Warfare

2009-02-03T23:54:00.002+08:00

The time has come.

To put down the mantle and the scepter.

To get undress from all the gold and silver.

The time has come.

To put on the Helment.

The Breastplate.

The Belt.

The Boots.

And pick up the Sword.

The time has come.

For War.

If you whisper trash into my ears, I will smash you head on head.

If you fire your fiery shower of arrows, I will call for the East Wind.

If you try to cut me loose from below, the Truth which I stand will withold my integrity.

I will crush you and march over you.

I will fight.

A good fight.

Not forgetting my shield.

It can shield and kill.

The Crown awaits for me. For us. For everyone.

Fight a good fight. You will survive.

We will conquer the mountains.

We will bring down the giant of the land.

Go therefore..

V Day

2009-01-29T01:12:00.002+08:00

I dun lie.

Looking seriously into your eyes

Thoughts fly.

And I say, 'Aishiteru'

My lips mean it.

I can't lie.

Finding the light behind the lens.

Thoughts fly again.

And I say, 'Saranghaeyo'

This time, my lips shiver at the coldness of the breathe.

'Sayonara'

Silence.

CNY Packing

2009-01-25T18:17:00.002+08:00

I packed my room until I dun feel like packing anymore. Used to pack my room every 3 months, but now is the accumulated a year's rubbish to clear.

I need to talk to someone.

Punch me!

Faith. Hope. Love.

2008-11-25T01:19:00.002+08:00

End of Asia Conference 08. Start of Asia Conference 2010.

2 things that I hid in my heart - Relationship and Culture.

Relationship: It is not in the information, nor the teaching but about relationship. At the end of the day, when all that is needed to absorb is done, what is left is a relationship between 2 people that matters the most. How much time and effort are you willing to put into relationship building then anything else? How much are you will to set aside for your team mates? Your Ego. Your Preference. Your Dream. Yourself.

You can explain unconditional love. It can only be experienced and given. Relationships that are broken, can be mend. Those that are lost, can be found. Those that are distant, can be brough closer. Those that are hurt, can be healed.

Culture: Nothing else except the influence of culture gives you hands and fingers that can extend and enter into variety of condition and climates. It will define who you are and what are yours and not.

My body is aching from all the late nights and early morning. Breaking down and in pain, but its gonna be over soon. It is not going to be forever.

Faith. Hope. Love.

Lead.

2008-10-10T03:01:00.002+08:00

To lead,
you got to read.
For what you reap,
is your heart's needs.

It just takes one seed
and unrooting of weeds,
you will have the ability
to meet people's needs.

I need that seed.
Not just seen,
but to be eaten.

And remain internal
for eternity.
With no empathy
but with sovereignty.

By the way,
where's my cup of tea?
To fulfill Thy Needs.

Eat some scrolls!

Grow. Grow. Grow.

2008-09-16T03:10:00.003+08:00

Seldom I can't sleep but today is just one of the nights that I'm pretty wide awake.

I get subdue by the Zzz monster pretty easily:

when I am well-fed, he Zzz me easily.
when I am emo-fed, he Zzz me instantly.
when I am fed-up fed, he Zzz me quickly.
when I am cozy-fed, he Zzz me timely.

But tonight/this morning, I just can't sleep. My whole mind is thinking about:

Who to grow?
What need to grow?
When to start to grow?
Where to start the growth?
How to grow?

But I have the answers. Just sorting my thoughts into simple and workable trained train of thought. Just in case, days I go off track, I will be back on track at once. I am my own brain engineer.

Usually I know when I am startling wide awake is because of 2 things:

Desperate
Disturbed

of what am I affected:

Desperate to see growth happening in CGs and seeing people becoming who they are called to be, in result to see church grow and soar in attendance and strength.
Disturbed to be so desperate. Just can't settle down in the Spirit. Churning alot of thoughts:

Grow in Quality: To have the confident. To Live. Learn. Lead. with Love. Faith. Hope. Now I add one more: Purity.
Grow in Quantity: To stitch my net an inch by an inch each day. To reinforce my cord a twist by a twist each moment. To hurdle my casting over and over again spontaneously.

This is my early morning thoughts: Grow. Grow. Grow.

Silence

2008-08-23T00:30:00.002+08:00

you kill me with your silence. argh!

I refuse to let you go.
refuse to be back down by lies.
I refuse to be refused.

I will jump.
stomp.
punch.
scream.
break.
laugh.
praise.
sing.
clap.
dance.
joke.
roar. until that devil of yours leave you.

silence.
man. give me some music.

Proud

2008-08-21T23:54:00.002+08:00

STC girls. I'm proud of you.

It's possible to do well for N levels. So please start to mug harder and smarter, and make me panic as to how to prepare for the K Boxs celebration :)

You all can become leaders.
God knew.
And I think so too.

:l

2008-08-21T22:37:00.002+08:00

My watch's gone. His arm's broken. He reached his lifeline. And one song came floating inside my mind: '..Good bye my lover. my closest friend. You are the one. You are the one for me..'

I need to get some clothes. help. I think I should go black. I'm a flop when it comes to fashion and colour matching and coding. Just seems to find it extremely difficult to put things together. I'm gonna marry a fashion designer and let her decide my day to day dressing. Argh.

Pain. Feeling pain everywhere inside out. In my Spirit. In my Soul. In my Flesh. This is how the Dying place feels like: I want to do what I want but I chose to set it aside for destruction onto God - consecration.

"I will give whatever I have to you, God. So to have more you. Jesus. Hence to experience your presences, Holy Spirit."

I love you, Father.

Ground Zero

2008-08-11T14:37:00.002+08:00

No time to emo.
Everytime I feel like to emo and rot and mold.
I will Encourage myself, Motivate my soul and 'O God!' I will shout.

Let the buses bang me!
Let the trains slice me!
Let the horses tear me limbs apart!

But nothing beat the Word of God that settles the waves in my heart.
That brings peace and tranquility inside out.
That rekindles the violence and fire inside of me.
That strengthens my brokeness, by healing and humility.

0030.
0300.
3000.

We will grow.

Send me. Even to the pit of the valley to pick the keys to the window in heaven.
Send me. Even to the bottom of the ocean to rise the broken and tore ships of dreams.
Just Send me.

Par-jeer!

2008-08-05T22:40:00.002+08:00

Peer pressure sia. "Where's your group photo?" hahaha. all the leaders posted the group photos we took after service, when the church is empty and after we were instructed to enjoy our evening.

Some times to fellowship is not always about getting into a movie or a dinning table or doing something recreational. Most of the time, it's just simple stuff, like fighting to get into the screen shot.

Alright. I'm an IT bum. lazy to download and upload photos. ha. "den what's the use of getting a camera phone?" hmmm.. i think i should stop talking to myself.

my 4D number for the next 3 months: 0030.

By the way, I like wei siang's 4D number: 9999. That's alot of faith. ha.

All the best STC gals, tmr's start of prelims. And if you happen to be reading this, better get going to study. argh!

Mighty Warriors

2008-08-01T07:18:00.002+08:00

morning.my precious morning is stolen away by an unwelcoming army-related phonecall. Seriously, i can just not pick up my phone (cos i'm on leave) and hoping that the matter that I was desperately needed to settle will by some miracle disappear. But, responsibility is responsibility. one minute of reluctance will results in one million minutes of disaster. argh! 'Love is suffer long. Love is kind..' Thank God that He inspired Mister Paul to write letters to encourage the Corinth, otherwise the existence of the little black book will not be possible and thus result in my attitude problem.

well. the day before. I met my beloved C2. Most of them. It is just one of the days that meeting people or person, you just really look forward to see them, like 'i-just-can't-wait-to-see-you-man' feeling. Then as I was getting to the little hut along the Istana Park, I was visualizing how it would look like when C2 grows to say 15 to 20 people and when we occupy the hut, we would not just take a small corner of it but the whole center area. Den I will hear people complain that they are under the sun, the floor here wet there dirty, the fan not blowing towards their direction and I will need to repeat myself to ask them to sit closer cos the speed of sound is only 330m/s. I start to imagine how the boys will tease the girls about anything under the sun and the girls will laugh at the boys how unruly they look like and smelllllly! Their laughter fills the area and permeates the whole surrounding. Their whining vibrates thru the air. Their 'YES!' and 'AMEN!' storms the ground like the 300 Spartans.

And when I look at them, they are really the 300 Spartans that will take the world for Jesus by waves and storms and fire and their gentleness. I can just see how these youth in uniform now will be donned in their most chic cardigan, coupled with various bling blings with the added touch of eyeliner and mascara and funky hairstyle. These are the up and coming below 25 that will make an impact in the world, with the heart and desire to make God know to the earth like how they personally know Him.

I always remember that I once said after Baptism when I was asked how I felt after it, 'I feeeeel Refreshed. Ready to Conquer the World for Jesus.'

When I look at my dearest C2 as they walked across the pool along Istana park, I see a gathering of superheros marching down the Hero's Arena.. you know like Gladiators with the background music.

They will become world changers. so much so that they are heard but not seen. fear but not feel. hahahaha. kidding. that's like Alexander. Anyway whatssup with macho man movies and me?

Life will be better. In Jesus' Name. Definitely :)

Growth

2008-07-23T21:59:00.001+08:00

Lover of Souls.
Growth.

Will Smith Roxx

2008-07-11T02:25:00.000+08:00

Will Smith Rox

2008-07-11T02:10:00.003+08:00

My Fingers Resurrected!

2008-07-11T01:47:00.001+08:00

I lost all my words when the internet lost her marbles. argh.

I'm being hellboy.

Whatever.

My Fingers Resurrected!

2008-07-11T01:06:00.004+08:00

Penning. once again.

i can't stand seeing my good friend here, become increasingly obsolete. I just got to give him something to show his friends and fiends in the world wide web. lovers of thy soul.

alright. i need to talk more sense than being poetic. 'so uncool yeah? no more little worlds yeah?'

Got a classic rugged PDA. let me give her a name. hmmmm. nursey? missy? honey? darling? goth girl? I will consider for a while first. names determine destiny. ehh... destiny sounds nice. hahahaha. Talking abt PDA, it reminds me of Pastor, by the way, she gave me destiny. this classic rugged PDA. Destiny will be my beloved for the next few years until she has to go den i might be getting the integrated resort - e one and only classic Apple family. Emo people loves the name of the products - ipod, imac, iphone, itune.. all the i i i i and more i.

yep. pastor. that's her. the master jedi! wooooong.. wiiiiing.. she's a swordwoman. her words are like the light saber. Bring light to your soul and does serious damage to you when it cuts you. she gave me the PDA and lots of other stuffs. I was recollecting what I have from her and no joke. she gave me all i need inside out. hahaha.

that day, I went to alter the jeans and jacket that were given by pastor. I was like paying big bucks for the alterations and requested that everything is to be duplicated to the tee. I wanted to preserve them in the exact same condition. Like any one else, I was confronted with the exclamation of the amount that I paid for the alteration could have been better used on buying another 2 to 3 pairs of jeans. I smiled and rebutted myself, saying to myself that I am paying not for the alteration but the sentimental value behind each and every thread and fabric that belongs originally to the authentic owner. Just like the mantle that Elijah gave to Elisha. I can imagine that it is like battered and discolored with all the wear and tear that accompanied the original owner. Nothing can reproduce that, even the most talented tailor. Because each tear has its story to tell. Money gives everything, but does not pay for everything. Somethings are just priceless, the only payment is the justice done to that amendment to preserve as much the truth behind the thread.

This applies to life as well. relationship as the Audience of One and with other audiences towards the One, those seated at the front, foyer and nearing the exits. How much are you willing to pay to preserve the relationship? everything or partially or not at all? What you preserve, your attitude and character is preserved by it. Because everytime you look at it, it reminds you of your past victories, that will birth forth even more victories. If the past is what you use to secure yourself in order to advance, not sliding back to that same old past.

I was thinking thru if one day, I need to go to the frontline to be confronted by bullets and sands mixed together. What will I wear to fight? Surely, I concluded, is all I have that I did not pay for, they are my soul protector. Their presence reminds me where my root lies and my source of strength is from.. who. Not what I have matters, but what I have from others that counts.

I have quenched my dehydrated body with 3 cans of Coca Cola light. going for another one while fighting to keep my fingers typing away, finishing some work.

Cheers. my teeth has turned yellowish. oh you little darkie liquid.

Control

2008-05-02T23:22:00.002+08:00

I need to regulate my emo.
Growing tired + rant emo = death note to self.

One word - Passion.
I need to wake up with passion, not in fear.
Dun be afraid to sleep. Just sleep with sense.

Be strong.
You are a man.

"L"adom

2008-03-13T15:03:00.006+08:00

Argh! I need to clamp down the (-) Sanguine and wake up the (+) Sanguine.
Brain freeze.

5. 10. 15. 20. 25. 30! 50. 70. 90. 100! 150. 200. 300!
Follow the leader and run the farmer's race - own the sow.
Have faith and kick the Devil in the ass. ha!

If you feeling emo, get yourself an elmo. It will go "haHahaHahaaaa" X 3

Here this out:
"The factors he proposed in his book Dimensions of Personality were Neuroticism (N) which was the tendency to experience negative emotions, and the second was Extraversion (E) which was the tendency to enjoy positive events, especially social ones."

Den..
"High N, High E = Choleric
High N, Low E = Melancholic (also called "Melancholy"/pl. "-ies")
Low N, High E = Sanguine
Low N, Low E = Phlegmatic"

Therefore..
"I'm cukoocukoo head la but noisy like a cukoobird then irritating like a cukoobird"

Lame. Here we go!

"Sanguine
Sanguine indicates the personality of an individual with the temperament of blood, the season of spring (wet and hot), and the classical element of air. A person who is sanguine is generally arrogant, cocky, indulgent, and confident. He/She can be day-dreamy and off-task to the point of not accomplishing anything and can be impulsive, possibly acting on whims in an unpredictable fashion. This also describes the manic phase of a bipolar disorder. Also, the humour of Sanguine is usually treated with leeches"

Hahahahaaaaaaaaah! Leeches. Something more.

"Choleric
Look up choleric inWiktionary, the free dictionary.
Choleric corresponds to the fluid of yellow bile, the season of summer (dry and hot), and the element of fire. A person who is choleric is a doer and a leader. They have a lot of ambition, energy, and passion, and try to instill it in others. They can dominate people of other temperaments, especially phlegmatic types. Many great charismatic military and political figures were cholerics. On the negative side, they are easily angered or bad-tempered.
In folk medicine, a baby referred to as having "colic" is one who cries frequently and seems to be constantly angry. This is an adaptation of "choleric," although no twentieth/twenty-first century scholar or doctor of medicine would attribute the condition to bile. Similarly, a person described as "bilious" is mean-spirited, suspicious, and angry. This, again, is an adaptation of the old humour theory "choleric."
The disease Cholera gained its name from choler (bile)."

Bile? Going on..
"Melancholic
Look up melancholic inWiktionary, the free dictionary.
Melancholic is the personality of an individual characterized by black bile; hence (Greek μελας, melas, "black", + χολη, kholé, "bile"); a person who was a thoughtful ponderer had a melancholic disposition. Often very kind and considerate, melancholics can be highly creative - as in poetry and art - but also can become overly pre-occupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world, thus becoming depressed. The temperament is associated with the season of autumn (dry and cold) and the element earth. A melancholy is also often a perfectionist, being very particular about what they want and how they want it in some cases. This often results in being unsatisfied with one's own artistic or creative works and always pointing out to themselves what could and should be improved.
This temperament describes the depressed phase of a bipolar disorder.
There is no bodily fluid corresponding to black bile; the medulla of the adrenal glands, which decomposes very rapidly after death, can be associated with it."

Perfect.
"Phlegmatic
Look up phlegmatic inWiktionary, the free dictionary.
A phlegmatic person is calm and unemotional. Phlegmatic means "pertaining to phlegm", corresponds to the season of winter (wet and cold), and connotes the element of water.
While phlegmatics are generally self-content and kind, their shy personality can often inhibit enthusiasm in others and make themselves lazy and resistant to change. They are very consistent, relaxed, rational, curious, and observant, making them good administrators and diplomats. Like the sanguine personality, the phlegmatic has many friends. However the phlegmatic is more reliable and compassionate; these characteristics typically make the phlegmatic a more dependable friend."

Lame..

life

2007-11-15T22:25:00.000+08:00

I have become the hitman in the camp.
God save me. I need physical, mental and spiritual strength to keep the equilibrium.
I am looking forward to the wkend - kids. the treasure of life and activity.

Where is truth?

2007-09-07T21:45:00.000+08:00

In the days and nights coming. Just one click away. A truth will set u free.

From Pastor's blog:

"I'm not asking you to get rid of all your issues and fears. I'm asking you to stay loyal in the midst of all that."

Loyalty.

If I know nothing else. The meaning of that word, I do.

My response:

"Yes pastor. I agree totally with all my heart. all my soul. all my strength. Though my heart is full of holes and scars."

Staying power is all I need.

If I know nothing else. Following what my leader says, i do.

2007-09-07T21:02:00.000+08:00

friday night is a frustrating night. Nevertheless I finally got the chatbox up.

WAULF?

2007-09-07T19:15:00.000+08:00

Moments ago. My emotions overwhelmed me. It is like just one of the days that my thoughts carried me too far away from logic and sink deep into my emotions.

'What are you living for?'

Many occasions, this question devours me. It feasts in and out of my soul. Tearing every strain of my confidence, comfort and control. Leaving just the naked hollow bones for me to reflect on. Letting out the skeleton out of me. Letting the skeleton out of the closet. Bring out the hidden thoughts, hurts and past that are buried under the piles and piles of useless muscles. Being so vulnerable to exploitation, nothing was withheld; nothing was being fought; the true feelings began to find solace at the four corners of the fours walls being erected, surrounding the fragility.

True feeling shines like the sun. It dries up every river of tears that suppose to flow; it dries up every blade of grass that supposes to grow; it dries up every balloon of air that suppose to fill. The colours of my life became duller and duller. The clarity and the reflection of the flowing river turns into the unclear and unreflective sands within the banks; the beauty and virility masked under the double edged blades turns into dysfunctional dull scrap metal; the majestic and prosperous volume turns into a deflated, flaten rubber.

True feeling makes one feel. But feelings can spur the marrow of desires within the charred bones to boil and burst forth. Showering the surface with dots of red rain. Purifying. Santifying. Testifying. It can make the losses to become gains. It can make the fallen to become taller. It can make the broken to become soarer.

'What are you living for?'
'God. Glory. Greatness.'
'What are you living for?'
'For God. For His Glory. For His Greatness.'

'What are you living for?'
What will your answer be tmr?

suddenly

2007-08-19T19:46:00.000+08:00

suddenly.
i dunno how to write.
i have lost my ability to do so.
how suddenly.

Journaling

2007-07-22T08:51:00.000+08:00

This is an excerpt of my compulsory military journal:

Week 4:
I guess as the days in the driving course nearing to the end, everyone generally has begun to know each other better. Nevertheless, the like and the dislike of each and every individual in the team start to surface. People who are respected, people who are unwelcome, people who are not always noticed, such categories have gradually become more and more obvious.

I wonder if its all simply just bad first impression or realization overtime of characters clashing. From what I notice, its just the attitude that results in this segregation. Not the difference in education level, race, language or religion, it’s the attitude of treating each other. Some are considerate, but others, I am not so sure.

That is the consequence of living together under one roof and training together. Going through the same unreasonable situations and facing similar taunting difficulty, but at the end of the day, everyone has different learning experiences and outlook of their matters. Thus, resulted in different attitudes and behaviors. Even so, most are getting better in subduing their detestable nature, choosing a better approach in solving their resentment through better channels than on each other, unintentionally.

To conclude, week 4 is just like another day in my JC period when relationships between people either bloom or wither. For mine, I like to be the grass among the flowers. Always green, never changing in my colors, whether its in or out of season. Ya-right. Idealistic. That is what they say about me. But I am never ashamed to own up that part and parcel part of me.

Ideals are never made to be achievable alone. It is to be shared among friends and strangers.

My Dream

2007-06-21T13:22:00.000+08:00

'I have a dream.'

-Martin Luther King-

Man. i think i'm a workaholic. Everytime once i stop the daily routine of doing things, i will just fall into bad bad illness. When I should be enjoying my block leave for the past few days, i was down with bad flu. Now on the way of recovering but not good enough. In the meantime, I am a bookworm. Reading 3 book concurrently. Its a great pasttime and a way to kill time while waiting for my beaten body to catch up. My poor lungs. choked and over-exerted.

'What is your vision?' has been on my mind lately. The whole last instalment of pastor's sermon just rocked the bedrock of my vision for life: make a choice and follow through. Time to time. It may sound crazy but this phrase has been ringing in my ears: show me your way. show me your glory.

Most of the time, I will ponder why certain individuals succeed in life, yet do not feel fulfilled and others living a unconventional life with uncertainity so great that many would back out eventually. I guess the first and the primary answer would be: they had a dream. A dream that has no body neither a mind of its own, but its intanglible yet living.

That is something i need.

But what you need is not neccessarily what you should get. What we need is a living true dream that can cast a pathway for more and more legecy to be founded on. Ha. Some food for though isn't it?

Freedom Papers

2007-06-16T12:23:00.000+08:00

"... Made a mistake and you will be transfered from drama to crisis. Things will harden within minutes..."

-Tony Blair-

Something that had me going since my mind is not occupied with military stuff. Enough of physical training and mental endurance and brainless movement, it's time to put back the thinking cap.

Been busy as usual. Lacking sufficient time to spell out my ABC. Troubled by my own bad organisational skills and inability to multi-task quick. Finally, after a tromenting period of being subdued and locked away in a far far away island from the parent island, I am temporary freed from the early hours and late nights and of course, the horrible taste of yellowish water.

What can i say? It's been another series of soul-searching and self-pondering about the priorities in life. I though I have everything going but unsurprisingly, I got it wrong again and again. Many would have planned where they want to spend their long desired leave but I on the other hand have nothing in mind, except to meet up with people that I have long forgotten unknowing. Maybe it is the conscious part of me that desires to reunite with the like-minded. For myself, its another time when I would like to return back to my pre-ns life, living carefree and heck-care about the coming ns life. After that, mourning over the fact that I am still stuck in this hellish confined govermentized loser-kind of life, just the leave gave me the illusion of how freedom tastes so sweet.

Yet, I realize it's not about that kind of freedom, but the freedom to be able to get out during the weekend and join my fellow radical friend in our pursuit. The freedom to exercise personal conviction. The freedom to choose the desired. The freedom to be freed again and again.

Strange enough, sometimes freedom to read a newspaper is so important, to the extent that just one crazy comment can make one wants to write once again. crazily. ha. Happy Father's Day! I off to go for e Red Rain concert.

What have you achieved since last month?

2007-02-08T20:00:00.000+08:00

I remembered pastor once asked me this question: "what have you achieved since last month?" Since that day she spoke to me about my attitude towards work, this question has been in my mind.

It's Feb now. One full month. What have I achieved? Could I have achieved more?

For the past few weeks, I have been struggling to stablise myself. Getting into the momentum of doing things, yet I felt that I have not been doing enough to justify the invaluable time that was bestowed to me. The most terrifying thing for me is that I felt more lethergic and restless.

Although, I have been doing things, but I feel that I have not been faithful in accomplishing the assignments that are given to me. Accomplishing acts are seriously not my vocation. More like hanging-halfway-in-the-mid-air. Mum has been telling me about my past. How a son I have been to her. How my character flaws is due to hernelgeigence as the family disciplinarian.

I have to consent to this: I am ill-discipline.

Not long ago, I was lamenting to my leader about my mum having tonnes of issues to say about me, her instant reply was that I sounded like a 'problematic child'. I know she said in a rather jovial way, from her tone. I laughed silent. Not that I disagree with her, but I really felt that I have been one since young. Like my innate ill-discipline is due to my genetic make-up.

I credit this to my beloved genes. I'm not sure if this is in any way related to my poor memory. But from another point of view, it could be due to that I'm a lazy slop. Na. Yet again, I would disagree that I have poor memory, but its another story for another day.

Yes. Genes. Yes. Ill-discipline. Sometimes I see this ill-discipline of mine as a friend and at time my fiend. Just quoting one incident lately - driving lessons. My leg work and hand work are at odds with one another. Simply saying, putting both of them together will make my vehicle a 'weapon of mass destruction' ( oh man. this phrase sounds so distant ever since... - political sensitive topic- ) I nearly killed my instructor. how about tt? hahaha. I can't discipline my limbs.

Yes. Mr ill-discipline, so how am I going to do with you? I'm sure this question popped out in my instructor's mind when i nearly crashed the car at the kerb, at the stationary fleet of cars by the road, at the junction...

Oh well. I believe in the power of prayer and in the word of God: 'for when I am weak, I am strong.' Seriously, I feel demoralised. Its good if it makes me want to strive better. Its bad if it gets into me too much and stirs my emotions. In any case, I need patience and practice. I really want to give up but driving is not about me, its about the purpose of being able to drive - availability and others.

This might sound cheezy: 'I drive for others, not for myself.' I pray hard that tmr I will be more skillful in taming this metallic monster of mine.

Mei lee queue first.

2006-12-22T22:54:00.000+08:00

2 more days to X'mas.

Same time last year, that was one of the most stressful days of my life. Trying so hard to bring together everything, I felt miserable with the poor planning I had. Totally screwed up everything that I was given to do and had to do. Late for this and unprepared for that, I was in a big big mess.

Fortunately, I learnt my lesson. Sometime, I just have to put my foot down on certain issues i.e. peer pressure - when everyone does it, doesn't mean I have to do the same. I have my own important things to do and urgent ones as well. I have concluded that things that has not point doing should be ignored. Seriously, I was having quite a headache in my planning this week. New stuffs pop up like popcorn, non-stop and noisely.

Impromptu. But what can I do? Stop. Think. Plan. Pointless things no point to struggle with, just let it go. Sometimes or most of the time, I always get influenced by my situation to do things that I do not like, not because I have some problem with it. But the thing is that I as a person can be there, but my heart and mind is somewhere else. Bla bla bla.

2 more days to X'mas and I need a miracle and lot of grace. I want this X'mas to be the best. Both for myself and others. If u feel that this year's is not the best for u, maybe you re not part of the 'others', obviously not 'myself' as well. Oh man. EGO invasion. Not la. This will be the best cos next years has to be even better than best.

Merry X'mas to everyone. I got lots of stuff to do. A lot of gifts to prepare.

Anyway. If u happened to be doing nothing on Christmas Eve, just drop me a line cos I have an big event to invite u. Hohoho.

You fail to plan, you plan to fail. -Pastor Kong-

Raining down

2006-12-19T01:00:00.000+08:00

It's one and I am still awake. Hiding in my room while waiting for the washing machine to finish washing my working attire for tomorrow. Hehs.

Today got baptism service. It was seriously a service for everyone. All of us were drenched like chicken and we ate BIG BIRD for dinner together. All thanks to Pastor's parents, we all had a wonderful and warm dinner to boost our slightly dampen mood due to the downpour.

Still waiting. Seriously I can't stand myself don in formal attire. I am a self-declared hater towards dressing mature and formal. Long sleeves with proper working bottoms. Oh man. yuck! I wan my shorts and slippers and singlet like ah peh. hehs.

"Steadfast" was the word for the baptism candidates. I am sure they will live up to their calling. Whatever they re born to accomplish. They will be able. By God's grace.

I am really dead tired but with my top still in the circular motion and spinning non-stop, I can't be overcomed by my tireness. Maybe just stretch for a while longer and compenstate myself with a large doze of coffee mixture to bring life to myself once again :p

Merry Christmas. Its not too late to shop for presents and too early to wish people around.

Anyway. I love my 3-day job that I have found in Mercedes bla bla bla. Its great to do with a friend. Socializing with one another and it helps to foster teamwork and madness after 4. I went crazy after 4 because my brain was aggresively taxed by the menial work. But sticking sticker are cool, esp for a coporated company. weeheeheee..

Hell of a Week

2006-11-30T01:40:00.000+08:00

Prom. Meeting. Prom.

I am having a hell of a week this week. I feel even more stressed for this week compared to any moment during A levels. I slept less than 8 hours. I have to compete with time. I see my parents lesser and lesser each day.

This is a crazy week. But I will be rewarded with a crazier weekend - r.n. getaway @ blue mountain kelong. Seriously I am looking forward to this trip. I see this as an opportunity to get closer to God i.e. Project Love and further away from Singapore life - work and work and work.

Since As ended for me officially last friday. I have been to Vivo 5 times with a day interval for ever 2 days of visitation. I toured the whole place like thousand of times, but still can't really remember where most shops are still located which means the place is madnessly huge.

Oh well. Zara wins after all. For men's stuff. Its like some general sentiments towards Zara tt everyone can find what they wanted there and there only. Its a win-win situation for Zara and his potential loyal customers. I am a fan of Zara. Simply because the clothing complement my figure. Its like they have prepared for me, both in the measurement and the price. They are justified. Woohoohoo.

Looking @ the amt tt I have to invest on prom - its a really hefty opportunity cost to bear. tt's when a child's character is tested: whether to be considerated to your parents' pocket and their hard earned bucks or mindlessly sweeping the plastics @ the counter contentedly. For me. the latter seems to be a an antithesis to my virtues. Since I'm both price-elastic and taste-inelastic consumer, one has to compromise or else I will be wearing my birthday suit to the prom. That is what I call Retro-momo.

*Cough Cough*
Oh God. Save my throat. Its irritating. This is one adversity that has been around for a week so. argh.

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln -

PE

2006-11-25T21:52:00.000+08:00

post-exams is here and I think i'm strange. but yet again people are people. we have our preferences.

I packed myself with back-to-back activities: having chicken baked rice @ swensen for lunch. tried to collect my desperately needed passport. made my way to vivo. chilled @ vivo with my econsmates. attempt to watch movie @ cathey but failed to. ended up chilling @ ps macs. of course the never ending conversation. finally reaching home early to watch tokoyo drift.

although these are great. but it wasn't the best highlight of my post-exams. its the short pitstop i made @ church before hitting home to don for the night. just that chilling-cum-randomly-helping in church. I found my directions for my short holiday before the nation's call.

Its called planning.

People have all the greatest ideas and innovation but what makes us different from those historical inventors and us: detailed planning. they possess this natural tendency to just plan how to execute their ideas. Strangely but the maggie mee generation happens to lose this ability. Maybe the globalised world paid too much attention in satisfying our instant gratification desries that we lose our onus to be creative. To the point that it needs to be emphasized the government.

What went deep down into me is this: "you need to plan otherwise u will be just trying to complete more urgent stuff rather than important things."

Ouch. but my heart tells me that that's what I needed to accomplish whatever I need to. Even better to finish before my time is up. I will be proud of myself for a while but I know I didn't waste my youth away wastefully.

But weirdly, its difficult to distinguish urgent and important when u re planning. With the canlendar placed nicely in front. Everything seems to be equally urgent and important. hahaha. I just need to learn how to make better decisions i guess. That's part and parcel of life.

"Noone owes you a living." -MM Lee Kuan Yew-

Headache

2006-11-23T17:52:00.000+08:00

Headache. Headache. Headache.
Please save me from killing myself.

argh.

p.s. one more day n its sweet sweet sweet freedom.

LD

2006-11-21T23:46:00.000+08:00

Life & death.

The chinese news broadcaster melancholicly confessed , "for the past year, every month there is at least one to two cases of sudden deaths. A third of them happens when asleep.."

Frightening news.
Wait a minute. What is the meaning of this?

Alright. Its my in-built workaholistic mechanism. It is churning once again. choo-choo. Oh yeah. I'm well known for my trivity and overly obssession with odd news.

First stop: The Catholic "Father" priests and the institution of marriage are at loggerheads once again. Contestants of the excommunicated vs the Holy See. Seriously trivial to both my beliefs and understanding, yet ironically I happened to be so mesmerized by it.

Point elaborated and sustained. Objection overrule!

Studying too much and deep into literature is a dangerous task. Never try this at home, especially for LDJN. That's why we all study out. At Macs. At coffeebead. At Starbucks. At Airport. At Mos B. At KFC. Anywhere that sells over-the-mountain-overpriced coffee and drinks, comparatively to Kopitiam 90-cent Kopi, there you can find people now slogging for lit and S-paper.

I'm being suspicious of my family. Are they who they are?
Alright. I'm paranoid. seriously. Yes back to topic: Sudden Death or cardio-arrest or CA.

CA has been around too much these few years. Unnaturally, the young CAist are going to occupy the pie chart sooner or later or maybe already have but just that we are not being informed. It's a pretty ugly scene. Noone wants that. The more the younger dies with reduced birth rate in most developed countries, the more likely the society is going to age. With life expectancy rising is a gd thing but the bell curve shifting higher and higher.

It's an unhealthy sign...

Firstly, I will be taxed much more, unless I'm horribly rich ("most likely" the case in what 20 years' time), which my taxed amount is income inelastic against my horribly excessive disposable income.

Secondly, progessive direct tax is going to have a regressive effect on my incentive to get promoted.

Solution: I should restructure my company such that a middle-stage manager earns 1.1 million and CEO earns 1 million annually. What an intelligent way to play with legal loopholes and remain employed disincentive to promote. I'm beginning to observe slight whisper of smoke oozing out from my ears.

Anyway. I hope there's really noone trying out the "Death Note" gimmik. I seriously wonder if there is any link between the deaths and movie. Alright. I'm getting speed in my Intel Core 2.0 processor and my Litm battery is raging fire. And I should stop before the harddisk get stir fried.

"Chaos creates heroes." -Romance of the Three Kingdoms-

Change

2006-11-21T17:43:00.000+08:00

New Season. New Skin. New Life. Everything is new.

'Change is the only constant thing' -Anonymous-

Catch 22

2006-11-16T23:34:00.000+08:00

I think exams made me rather numb to my emotions and insecurity. I have been blog surfing, which is rather usual, for the past two hours. Reading one entry after another cursing and swearing at A levels.

It struck me - so how did I find it?

Strangely. I have little comment about it and its frightening. This is what Catch-22 is all about.

I have drawn two conclusion to my observation, on par with my surrounding reaction vs my reaction: either I have been suffering depression to the extent that my mind has burnt out from all the depression and has lost its judgement over emotional events OR I'm abnormal. awkwardly abnormal.

I rather go with the latter. Whatever. I think I'm still sane for the time being before the onslaught of literature. Hardcore version. You see.. I lack the flair and my language is my pitfall. I can't really express myself well, espeically under stress and on black and white. Its a recipe for misunderstanding and confusion. I can say A but write B. Seldom. unless I am confident and confortable with my language, coupled with my calm state of mind, I can produce or imitate a piece of reasonable work. To survive in any element of circumstance, there is a need for two products - flair and hard work. Due to the inability to achieve the demanded language talents, hard work is my only alternative to compensate my weakness:

".. it is his childish habits and bachelor shyness, not his morale weakness .."

some random phrase from the prose I practiced before tomorrow's paper. Utterly madness. I was trying to analysis how true is that phrase pertaining to me. Utterly madness.

This is what I call workaholicism. Living your working habits in your life - confusing work with lifestyle. 9 to 5 is normal living but anything outside that is abnormal. This life is all about achievements after achievements, where relaxation is a sin. Oh man.

"One life. Live it. Brought to you by M1."

Now my brain is telling me to rest and cease my abnormal living. So tell me whether I'm Catch-22?

bomb

2006-11-16T20:50:00.000+08:00

alright.
seriously i didn't expect to be swallowed up by odd yahoo news.

Question: What is the four-letter-word that will land u in jail?
Answer: B-O-M-B.
Explanation: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20061115/od_nm/bomb_fine_dc

morale of the story: dun mess with singapore airlines. we are such a 'fine' city :)

News

2006-11-10T01:13:00.000+08:00

5 Major happenings for the past weeks:

1.) Lodged a 2-page long feedback(complain) to TIBS for their lacking in bus cleanliness.

2.) Prayed almost an hour every day for the past week with my fellow cg mate.

3.) General paper n Mathematics are history for now.

4.) Studying my literature for real this time round.

5.) Found out that my old old friend that's around my age is now a mum with a relatively young child.

The world spins fast without much notices.

P.s. US is in a big messy with the power shift to the democrats. But it does not affect my mood for A levels anyway. I will care only after 24th.

Letter

2006-10-27T22:51:00.000+08:00

Letter.

The nation's call for man
has come with the postman.

Opened.

The thought of my marriage
with the institution of physical training
has come.

The date has settled.

A levels Mantra

2006-10-18T22:38:00.000+08:00

Our A levels Mantra

If u do your best.
God will do the rest.

After that, wait to be bless.
Thus you can worry less.

So you better put in your best.
Very much for every lad n lass.

Especially in moi's class.
For next year we kick ass.
Amen and Yes.

Happening.

2006-10-14T19:51:00.000+08:00

Worlds Apart

I met zy yesterday.
I met xiang yesterday.
One was right before my econs tuition.
The latter was right after my econ tuition.
Different yet not indifferent of them
It was refreshing to see them.

The same question thrown: where re u going?

One was heading home quick.
The other was meeting his long lost clique.
The first should have just came out n going home.
The other should have just came out from home.

Living in parallels.
Never seem to intersect.

"When nothing happens, nothing happens."
"Only when destiny crosses each other."
"Maybe something might happen."

This time.
Nothing happened.

Poem of Hearts.

2006-09-17T01:09:00.000+08:00

Thank u for watching The Banquet

Your eyes shimmered under movie light.
I sat beside you all the time
yet that night in the house
your eyes sparked like a diamond
that I have lost for a long while.

Thoughts ran through my mind as the movie past before my eyes:
when is the next time that we can sit down again to do something alike.
The colours and the white.
The mask and the blood.
The animals and human.
all seem nonsense to my heart
when all i want is just to spend time with u.
oh it seem foolish to think that you will be gone soon
that i have no choice but to cherish this little time i have
not under the moonlight. not under the stars.
but under the cloak of darkness that covers your delicate skin.
how i wish the movie never ends and the darkness kept u afraid.
That you stay always beside me and never away.

The Banquet is a remake of Shakespeare production.
It has the similar elements of our dearest Hamlet.
'To be or not to be' this question is not heard.
But is felt and seen thru the directors stage directions.
It is symbolised by the hidden ugly mask.

Yes. This might be the last time.
No. There might be another time.
But I just wan to say:
Thank you for watching The Banquet with me.
Now I can rest with little regrets
but just some remorse that the night ran faster than my heart beat.
My heart beat stopped when u came over.
It just stayed silent. Quietly. No movement whatsoever.

Thank you for watching The Banquet.
Thank you for watching The Banquet.

Friendster

2006-09-16T21:55:00.000+08:00

A Note on Friendster:

To me.

Physical needs: Life's good when my stomach is full.
Thinking too much is my forte. seriously for fools (like me)
and crying is my hobby when I dun get enough food.

Ha. Crapping like above is so like me.
So please prepare to receive this when I'm all drunk and happy.

Empathy is the way I see things.
So it explains why my blog seems a mess
with archaic expression too faint to understand.

I love Church. It's self explanationary.
Nothing beats a good sunday with friends that value beyond friendship.
Without much say they finetune all saddness with love and care
when its hard to find it anyway.

I'm a symbol of ironic oxymoron.
OR moron until you get to know me and not my appearance.
Its a reflection of my inner being, yet it acts as a reflector as well.

To me: my life is like a drama.
I'm just an actor for my Creator.
E Bible is my script to live out this character in a world feel misfitting
but its the paradise that I desire for
and also for the generation after mine.

This is my statement: Love God. Love People..

Death

2006-09-04T20:57:00.000+08:00

Steve Irwin aka Croc Hunter. died.
I love his wildlife documentaries and all his appearance in different television programmes. I am heartbroken that the stingray took his life away. But I am glad he kicked the bucket while purning his passion.

What about myself?
News after news about teenagers committing suicides, I fear for my friends. Life is getting tougher and not many can handle the constant rapid changes in expectations. Its getting more and more intensive and broader that almost everything has expectations covered.

Friends. Family. Studies. Work. Leisure. Relationships. CCAs. Everything.
Individually speaking, they are impotent and easily managed by anyone. But when they clash together, it becomes a supernova. Ka-Boom! All hell break loss. Hope is immediately dashed.

It was like that last year for me. Crying seem to be an occasion affair for the emo boyhere.
Everything was piling. Everything was overwhelming. Everything demanded my utmost attention. Everything seemed impossible. But now things have changed. Changed for the better.

Grow at all cost.
For God. For church. For my friends. For my family. For my country.
I will do whatever it takes to: i) glorify God ii) save souls iii) make a difference so what the next generation will have better. iv) brainstorm for more things to accomplish and whack the hell out of it (literal sense).

I cannot die. I cannot give up. I must fight!
Must win. Not to win is not an option. Winning needs planning. Winning needs strategy. Winning needs courage. Winning needs integrity. Winning needs talents. Winning needs effort. Winning needs each other. Therefore I cannot fall. I cannot backslide. I cannot lose my flame. I cannot compromise to accommdate my comfort zone.

Emerge is the key.
Getting out. Moving out. Shifting out. Growing out.

People say, 'Jack of all trade. Master of none.'
I'm a ballbreaker. A self-driven and motivated breaker.
I believe : Jack of all trade. Mastered through God.' I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me. Impossible is history. Make an impossible history for the next generation to supercede. My life is not for myself. Its for my decendents.

I may die. But my race will be taken over.
This is my confession.

Shuffle!

2006-09-01T10:01:00.000+08:00

Shuffle!
addicted.

Prelims

2006-08-31T00:11:00.000+08:00

Mug. Eat. Sleep. Chat. Mug. Sleep.

Confession.

2006-08-16T23:35:00.000+08:00

Alright. I have a confession and a resolution:
I have to stop visiting r.n.website that often afterall.

www.revivalnation.org - click it with caution. Its addictive.

Its turning into a habit everytime when I'm online.
Clicking randomly. Looking for something new on the website.
Today. A new scroll bar is added.

Church with a mission. Mission Impossible. Impossible is nothing. Nothing is everything. Everything has something. Something is happening. Happening is church. Church with a mission. Mission Impossible. Impossible is nothing. Nothing is everything.

Revolution of Love. Me.

Failure..

2006-08-15T23:01:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when people made up their mind about somethings.
Suddenly your suggestions and feelings no longer have any significance.

Therefore I laugh at my own foolishness and childish presumptions.
They just don't care. What can I do? Nothing.

Alice. Tell me what to do?
To cry or to laugh.